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Anniversary

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December 15th will always be a day of intensely mixed emotions.

Intense joy because 11 years ago Lechi and I officially became man and wife. Intense sadness because we learned on this day (exactly a year ago) that we had exhausted all conventional treatments for Lechi’s malady. Lechi’s own emotions surrounding both of these events are captured vividly on film for posterity.

I used to joke with Lechi that our wedding was the last great event of the millenium. I tried to cheer her up with this same joke, last anniversary, but there was much on her mind. (It is ironic that of all the days available in a year, Lechi had her second surgery on Mahati’s 5th birthday and this piece of news on our anniversary. Go figure!)

I remembered her a lot this morning on the way to work and choked up.I wanted to thank her for the time spent together (I also wondered if it really mattered now.) I learned so much from our journey together. We take so much for granted, focus on the wrong things, get caught up in keeping up with the Jones’es, keep up pretenses, and frankly, indulge in extremely petty minded behavior. It takes enormous mental discipline to continually monitor the above and clean up your act. I have some ways to go in some of these areas. I will get there.

Sometimes there is confusion on how best to honor and remember Lechini. Is moving on a sign of disrespect? A case of “out of sight, out of mind”? At times there is guilt in the enjoyment of everyday things. I am told these are natural feelings for someone who has lost a spouse, a partner, a friend.

And of course, there is Mahati. The poor darling is going through an intense range of emotions, at times, that she is not able to articulate very well. It has been a challenge as I am trying to figure out how to help her cope with it and fill the void, the best I can. She has come a long way but a longer road remains. The loss of a nurturer and protector looms large (it is abundantly clear why nature made moms the way they are).

Nevertheless, the cards have been dealt. We have to make a game of it. I take immense comfort in the fact that Lechi made it a point on a couple of occasions, in her final days, to communicate that I had made a difference in her life. To me that is worth everything and will always be.

Agony and Ecstasy. December 15th. Happy Anniversary Lechi!

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Written by asterix98

December 16, 2010 at 8:21 am

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