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Scars run deep

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I had been having trouble with my bite for the past few weeks and it did not seem like it was going away anytime soon.  The symptoms all pointed to some variant of TMJ.  For something like this, your consulting options are your PCP, dentist or a TMJ specialist.  I decided to visit my PCP. I was able to get an appointment right away.  It was a fairly routine visit. We exchanged pleasantries. I then explained my problem. She examined my jaw, felt around for any glands, and found nothing amiss. Her suggested course of action for me was: cold presses as many times as possible during the day and potentially some over the counter medication to help with the inflammation.  She also thought it would be a good idea for me to visit my dentist too and get a second look. I thanked her and was on my way. I didn’t think much of it and filed it away as a very routine visit with the doctor.

I did the usual things for the remainder of the day, read before retiring for the night. In the middle of the night, I woke up, startled.  I just had a dream. The setting for the dream was a hospital. There were three people in a room. My wife lay on the bed, resting, and recovering from a fresh surgery.  Just out of earshot, I am having a conversation with her doctor. Although he has removed the tumor, he says another one has just grown. Just as he is describing this, I look towards my wife and I see even more tumors appear, spontaneously. She doesn’t know any of this yet. I start to dread what is in store for her, thinking about the painful surgeries to follow and the torturous recovery and follow ups she has to endure. I think this is just not fair. That’s when I woke up. A great relief came over me as soon as I realized that it was a dream and she would be spared the agony.

I don’t remember too many dreams since my wife’s passing that involve her. What was particularly striking about this dream was its proximity to my own hospital visit. I least expected it, but there it is, the subconscious processing the day’s events. As I reflected on it, it was a stark reminder of the stressful times we had been together, the intense pain and suffering she had endured, and I as a caregiver, had witnessed. It also reminded me why, at that time, I had made peace with the idea of letting her go.

The empathy for another’s suffering and the intensity of grief we feel for the loss of someone dear, is a uniquely human trait.  The scars of a traumatic event run very deep indeed.


Written by asterix98

March 5, 2012 at 1:05 am

strange dream

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This past Sunday, I spent a lot of time, collating Lechi’s print photos (for scanning and creating digital images), from early childhood, through the time I acquired a digital camera (2002). It was very emotional, to say the least. It brought back a flood of memories (our trips to Carmel, Seattle, San Diego etc.,). Also, looking at her as a innocent little girl as well as an adolescent, time traveling, to think what was in store, in the years to come, choked me up. The unfairness ( who is the arbiter of what is fair?) of it all, was a little hard to swallow. {The next day, I was watching a slide show of the scanned images. Makat happened to walk in, stared at a few pictures and suddenly burst into tears!)

Later in the day, while driving, I was involuntarily thinking of something that I would have shared with Lechi (or it may have been a trip I wanted  to make to the mall together). Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that she was, forever now but a memory, and that trip was not possible.  It left me drained.

That night, although tired, I had a lot of difficulty, falling asleep. At some point, I did. I had the strangest dream. I found myself in a temple. There was a Sivan shrine to the left and I can’t remember the diety on the right. I believe I was in an argument with Siva. I had expected the temple complex to be large with people milling around, but when I looked around, its extent was confined to a small area, and the doors of the temple were closed. It was semi-dark and I was alone. I panicked briefly and was then trying to figure out next steps, when I suddenly felt my whole body tighten in response to some very strong external force. I woke up right after and could’nt really tell if this was a real physical reaction or an imagined one……..

Written by asterix98

January 26, 2011 at 7:00 am

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